I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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