so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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