Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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