i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
This house was built for laser tag.
this will be a night to untag.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
