You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
