I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
