My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
im about as happy as oj after his trial
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
