tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
