You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
