How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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