no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
