mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
