Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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