is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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