So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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