I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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