i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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