Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
