I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
