Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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