How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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