My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
