I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
