i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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