so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I don't deserve a penis
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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