i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
