im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
