Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
