At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
