I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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