It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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