im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
