Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
