My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
