Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
