you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
she peed on how many people?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
