I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
