Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You pole danced in your parka.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
