I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
