Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
