tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
