i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
