Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
