I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
