the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Who put my cat in the fridge?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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