You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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