Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I've blown a few things in my day
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
