if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
