So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I just threw up on my dentist
babies were throwing up all over the place
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
