Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
